awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
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