I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
