Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
