Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
