THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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