Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
