You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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