Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
