My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
