He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
