i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
