i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
you inspire me to be a worse person
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
