sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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