youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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