On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The Olympian is in my bed
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize