my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
