i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
