new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
