you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
