Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
