You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize