Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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