Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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