I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
