thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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