I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I love having hate sex.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
