found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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