I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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