Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
