Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
