Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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