i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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