I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
