Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
im calling her cock vulture from now on
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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