just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
