she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
