??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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