I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
