My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
