Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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