As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
