mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
