I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
