proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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