I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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