If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
