he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
