Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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