Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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