I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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