I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
