My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
