I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
