Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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