even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
