I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
