is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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