When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
