She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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