I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
