Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
