So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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