I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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