hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
