We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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