Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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