Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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