I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
